The Hidden Harm of Coercive Control on Children
Coercive control is an insidious form of abuse that thrives in the shadows of relationships, often invisible to those outside the dynamic. While much attention is given to the impact of coercive control on adult victims, its devastating effects on children are frequently overlooked. This form of psychological manipulation permeates the lives of children, leaving lasting scars. This article explores the profound and often hidden ways coercive control harms children, drawing on research, clinical insights, and survivor narratives to illuminate this critical issue.
Understanding Coercive Control: A Framework of Power and Control
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate, and entrap another person through tactics such as isolation, manipulation, gaslighting, and control over daily activities. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, coercive control is a psychological assault that erodes autonomy and self-worth. It is a strategic campaign to maintain power over the victim, often extending to the entire family system, including children.
For children, coercive control is not a peripheral issue – they are not merely bystanders. They are often direct targets or collateral victims of the abuser’s tactics. The controlling parent may manipulate the child’s emotions, undermine their relationship with the non-abusive parent, or use them as pawns in a larger scheme of domination. The impact is profound, affecting their emotional, psychological, and developmental well-being in ways that can persist into adulthood.
The Direct Impact on Children: Caught in the Crossfire
Children living in households marked by coercive control are immersed in an environment of fear, unpredictability, and emotional manipulation. The controlling parent’s tactics—whether directed at the child or the other parent—create a climate where safety and trust are eroded. Here are some of the primary ways children are harmed:
1. Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting
Coercive controllers often manipulate children’s perceptions of reality, a tactic known as gaslighting. They may tell a child that their feelings are invalid, that their memories are incorrect, or that the non-abusive parent is untrustworthy or unloving. For example, a controlling parent might say, “Your mum doesn’t really care about you; she’s too busy with work,” planting seeds of doubt in the child’s mind.
This manipulation distorts a child’s sense of self and reality. Over time, children may internalise the abuser’s narrative, leading to self-doubt, confusion, and a diminished sense of self-worth. They may struggle to trust their own instincts, making it difficult to form healthy relationships later in life.
2. Weaponising the Child Against the Non-Abusive Parent
One of the most heart breaking aspects of coercive control is how children are weaponised against the non-abusive parent. The controlling parent may engage in abuse by proxy, subtly or overtly encouraging the child to reject or mistrust the other parent. This might involve disparaging remarks, withholding access, or creating scenarios where the child feels forced to choose sides.
For instance, a controlling parent might say, “If you love me, you won’t spend time with your mum.” This places the child in an impossible loyalty bind, where they feel they must betray one parent to maintain a relationship with the other. The emotional toll is immense, leading to guilt, anxiety, and fractured family bonds.
3. Isolation and Control Over Daily Life
Coercive controllers often isolate their victims, including children, from external support systems. They may restrict a child’s access to friends, extended family, or extracurricular activities, claiming it’s for their “protection” or to maintain family unity. This isolation limits a child’s ability to develop social skills, build resilience, or seek help from trusted adults.
In some cases, the controlling parent micromanages every aspect of the child’s life – dictating what they wear, eat, or say. This stifles the child’s autonomy and fosters a sense of helplessness. Over time, children may internalise the belief that they are incapable of making decisions, leading to dependency or low self-esteem.
4. Exposure to Chronic Stress and Fear
Living in a home dominated by coercive control is like walking on eggshells. Children are hypervigilant, constantly monitoring the controlling parent’s moods to avoid punishment or conflict. This chronic stress activates the body’s fight-or-flight response, flooding the child’s system with cortisol and other stress hormones. Prolonged exposure to this state can impair brain development, particularly in areas responsible for emotional regulation and decision-making.
The fear of displeasing the controlling parent can also lead to people-pleasing behaviors, where children suppress their own needs to avoid conflict. This survival mechanism may help them cope in the short term but can hinder their ability to assert boundaries or advocate for themselves later in life.
The Developmental Consequences: A Ripple Effect Across the Lifespan
The impact of coercive control extends far beyond childhood, shaping a child’s emotional, cognitive, and social development in profound ways. Below are some of the long-term consequences:
1. Emotional Dysregulation and Mental Health Challenges
Children exposed to coercive control are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The constant invalidation of their feelings and experiences can lead to emotional dysregulation, where they struggle to manage intense emotions. They may become overly sensitive to criticism or rejection, or they may shut down emotionally to protect themselves.
Adolescents may describe feeling “numb” or “disconnected” from their emotions – a direct result of growing up in an environment where their feelings were dismissed or punished. These children may also struggle with self-harm or suicidal ideation as a way to cope with overwhelming pain.
2. Attachment Issues and Relationship Difficulties
Coercive control disrupts secure attachment, the foundation of healthy relationships. Children who grow up in these environments may develop insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment. They may fear abandonment, struggle with trust, or seek out relationships that mirror the unhealthy dynamics they witnessed at home.
For example, a child who was manipulated into rejecting their non-abusive parent may later struggle with guilt or shame, making it difficult to rebuild that relationship. They may also gravitate toward partners who exhibit controlling behaviors, as these dynamics feel familiar, even if harmful.
3. Impaired Cognitive and Academic Development
The chronic stress of coercive control can impair cognitive development, particularly in young children whose brains are still forming. Studies show that prolonged stress can affect the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for executive functioning skills like problem-solving, attention, and impulse control. As a result, children may struggle academically, have difficulty focusing, or exhibit behavioral challenges at school.
In one case, a 10-year-old boy was labelled as “disruptive” in school. After exploring his home environment, it became clear that his outbursts were a response to the controlling behaviours of his father, who demanded perfection and punished any perceived failure. The boy’s academic struggles were not a lack of ability but a manifestation of the stress and fear he carried daily.
4. Identity and Self-Esteem Challenges
Coercive control often involves devaluing the victim’s sense of self, and children are not immune to this. A controlling parent may criticise a child’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities, eroding their self-esteem. Alternatively, they may impose unrealistic expectations, demanding that the child meet their standards to earn love or approval.
This dynamic can lead to a fragmented sense of identity, where children struggle to understand who they are outside the controlling parent’s narrative. They may feel unworthy of love or incapable of success, carrying these beliefs into adulthood.
The Role of the Non-Abusive Parent: A Beacon of Hope
The non-abusive parent plays a critical role in mitigating the harm of coercive control, but they often face significant challenges. The controlling parent may undermine their authority, limit their access to the child, or portray them as incompetent or dangerous. Despite these obstacles, the non-abusive parent can be a lifeline for the child, offering love, validation, and a safe space to process their experiences.
Non-abusive parents should focus on “protective parenting” strategies, such as:
- Validating the Child’s Experience: Acknowledging the child’s feelings without judgment helps counteract the gaslighting they may experience.
- Modeling Healthy Boundaries: Demonstrating assertiveness and self-respect teaches children how to navigate relationships.
- Creating Safe Spaces: Providing moments of connection, whether through play, conversation, or shared activities, fosters resilience.
- Seeking Professional Support: Therapy or counseling can help both the parent and child process the trauma of coercive control.
Systemic Failures: When Society Overlooks the Harm
One of the most frustrating aspects of coercive control is how often it goes unrecognised by systems meant to protect children, such as family courts, child welfare agencies, and schools. Because coercive control lacks the visible markers of physical abuse, it is often dismissed as “high-conflict parenting” or “personality clashes.” This mischaracterisation can lead to harmful outcomes, such as children being placed in the custody of a controlling parent or being forced into reunification therapy with an abuser.
Family courts, in particular, are ill-equipped to address coercive control. Judges and evaluators may prioritise “equal parenting time” without considering the power imbalance in the relationship. This can result in children being exposed to ongoing abuse, as the controlling parent continues to manipulate and intimidate them during parenting time.
To address this, we must advocate for:
- Training for Professionals: Judges, social workers, and educators need education on coercive control and its impact on children.
- Legislative Changes: Laws should recognise coercive control as a form of domestic abuse, with clear guidelines for protecting children.
- Trauma-Informed Interventions: Child welfare and mental health services must prioritise trauma-informed care that centres the child’s safety and well-being.
Healing and Resilience: A Path Forward for Children
Despite the profound harm caused by coercive control, children are remarkably resilient. With the right support, they can heal and thrive. Here are some key strategies for fostering recovery:
1. Trauma-Informed Therapy
Therapy with a clinician trained in trauma and coercive control can help children process their experiences and rebuild their sense of self. Modalities like play therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), or eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly effective.
2. Rebuilding Relationships
Reconnecting with the non-abusive parent or other trusted adults can help children restore trust and security. This process requires patience, as children may initially resist due to manipulation or fear.
3. Empowering Autonomy
Encouraging children to make choices, express their feelings, and pursue their interests helps counteract the loss of autonomy caused by coercive control. Simple acts, like letting a child choose their clothes or hobbies, can be empowering.
4. Community Support
Support groups, mentorship programs, or school-based interventions can provide children with a sense of belonging and validation. Connecting with peers who have similar experiences can reduce feelings of isolation.
A Call to Action: Protecting Our Children
Coercive control is a silent epidemic that harms children in ways that are often invisible but deeply damaging. As a society, we must recognise the signs, listen to survivors, and advocate for systemic change. Parents, educators, and professionals have a responsibility to protect children from this form of abuse and to support their healing.
If you suspect a child is living in a coercively controlled environment, take action. Reach out to a trusted professional, such as a therapist or child advocate, and educate yourself on the dynamics of coercive control. Together, we can break the cycle of abuse and create a safer, more nurturing world for our children.